Notes on Spring and Trust over Fear

Studio Notes

all things crochet

I feel like I'm just coming out of a stall. My weekly-ish notes disappeared. My progress on projects felt like it was stuck in the mud. And writing these words right now, it feels like they must be drawn out slowly, or I might lose them. Maybe I'm still mid-stall. I'm not really sure what happened. But I suspect it is because I've been trying to make a push to get out my first sellable pattern.

It's getting real. Like really real. And that feels a little scary. And like I don't know what I'm doing, or I don't know where I'm going. And all of that shows up, for me anyway, as a lack of motivation. All of a sudden, I'm stuck in quicksand, and I'm trying to find anything to do rather than what I said I was going to do.

I did post something on Instagram. Ravelry's forums seem complicated? I thought that it might be easier to find testers on Instagram, but no surprise here: no one has seen the post. Probably because I have like four posts on there.

Social media is another whole beast of a thing. A thing I feel like I need to make room for and make use of, despite spending the last five years inching my way off of Facebook (for so many reasons) and never maintaining accounts anywhere else. Instagram feels like the wild west to me. And I'm not really sure I want to travel west. But I do know that I enjoy designing patterns, and I'd like to share those with the world. I suppose we'll find out together how this tension resolves.

This blog, even though it's public, feels safer and more private. Most of my thoughts feel more suited for this format. I suppose it's best to approach this problem in the same way I approach designing patterns. Experimentation, free and wild. Let's just see what happens if I share this... Any result is good. If I'm looking internally, I can get a sense for how posts feel when I share them before they are ever even seen. It will be a long while before they are seen. Perhaps I can use this time to learn more about what sharing feels like before it's even read.

Nature

sightings and experiences

Spring is coming. I can tell because several weeks ago, it started being loud when I went outside. The relative silence of winter is giving way to birds chirping, singing, and squawking. We've seen bald eagles, downy and redbellied woodpeckers, tuft titmouses (titmice?), and the stunning eastern bluebird. And about a hundred robins all hunting for worms in my front yard. I've never seen so many in my life. That was crazy!

The buds on our apple and peach trees are popping, and the grass is getting greener by the day. I've never been a Spring fan. The smell of dead earthworms (that some people weirdly refer to as the smell after it rains) and all the mud icks me out.

But, it's starting to grow on me....(yea, sorry). Oh. And the bluebells are coming. And that, that's the best of all.

Gathered Things

annotated links, readings, and ideas gathered this week

I was looking back through my previous highlights, and an interesting pattern started to emerge. I've been wrapped up in fear because I'm giving it too much power. I've been observing the fear instead of engaging in the process. I've let fear keep me from getting on the train, instead of allowing it to be an unruly passenger on this journey. This is probably something that I will realize over and over again.

Will fear ever not paralyze me? Maybe the most I can hope for is not to be bedridden for so long. But what if, like the train journey, fear and trust must coexist. I don't need certainty to make the next tiny step forward. What is so exhausting is continuing to step over fear as I move forward. It's bound to trip me up. I hope that each time it becomes a little easier to get back up and move on.

Here are the quotes and articles that led to these reflections. As you can see, I have a tendency to see what I see and apply it to my life as needed. Whether or not that is what the author intended, you can read more on that here if you like.

The takeaway, I think, from the piece and from the book, is that skepticism and doubt don’t have to exist in opposition to belief. And even more than belief, hope! Certainty is not what God needs from us. God doesn’t need anything from us precisely because of the miracle of God’s certainty about us.

(quoted from here)

Once you find your unique expression of beauty, life, and hope, no one can steal it.

(quoted from here)

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a great week!